12 Steps to Getting Along with Difficult People – Part 2

So, who has been especially irritating in your life the past few weeks? It may be an associate, a client, a vendor or perhaps a family member (this can be the most frustrating relationship).
In the last blog I introduced 12 core competencies for resolving conflict. This is so important because most of us struggle here and we need a common language for dealing with conflict among our professional and personal relationships.

So far we’ve discussed these 3 steps to getting along with difficult people:

1. Learn to embrace and resolve conflict.
2. Address your anger appropriately.
3. Seek understanding, not victory.

Now, you may want to review the overview to this topic and the specifics for above 3 steps in Part 1 of this series.

Once you’ve embraced the conflict (not as your problem but as a potential for growth), learned to deal with your anger by responding (thoughtful, targeted use of your anger) not reacting (emotional, defensive overreaction) and focusing on understanding the other persons perspective and not trying to just win, then you are ready to pick up with this next set of skills (4- 6 of the 12 steps).

4. Assume the best. Don’t jump to conclusions. Instead, give people the benefit of the doubt.

How many times have you heard someone say something or look at you a certain way in a meeting and you thought, “She doesn’t like me.” What’s that all about?

We so often squelch good relationships at home and at work by assuming the worst. This especially happens when we hear that someone has said something negative about us. Hey, don’t overreact. Remember, we all get and give filtered information.

So, if you get disparaging reports about you from others, check it out. And, assume the best. You might want to say, “The other day a mutual friend said he heard you say, or someone else say, some unflattering things about me. I know how messages get confused when they pass through people, so I wanted to check directly with you to see if you do have any concerns and/or see any areas in my life I can work on.”

I know that you may just want to deck the person, but why? First, you may have inaccurate data. Second, if you received accurate data, you may need to do some changing. Third, at the least, the person knows that there is accountability for saying things and most likely will be more thoughtful the next time.

5. Learn to share your feelings appropriately.

Feelings are often confusing. Frankly, most men, myself included, seldom know how they feel. For instance, my wife Mary can say something to me that hurts my feelings and I express anger instead of hurt. Many men react to hurt with anger. It’s easier, because anger seems to us to be about you—and hurt is about us.

It is, frankly, a little too vulnerable for most of us “macho” guys to admit that what you said hurt us. But, that is the fact. We are feeling unappreciated, disrespected and unloved. And, hey, this is a two-edged sword. Women feel the same way, guys. They feel unloved, unappreciated, undervalued.

In fact, I believe that the major problem in marriages is the inappropriate management of anger, especially in the area of sharing our feelings. It is really not about finances, the business, the kids, the in-laws, sex or other side issues. It is about how we feel—unloved, unappreciated, etc.

Here’s what we need to do. The next time you feel angry, you need to do the following:

• Admit that you are angry. It’s OK. Anger is just a warning sign.

• Communicate your anger to the person in this way. Say something like this, “I have a problem. When I heard you say ____________ the other day, I felt hurt, upset, unappreciated (whatever is accurate) and angry. Now, I realize that this is my problem, but I’d like to work through with you what you meant, how I can change, and how I can make you aware of the effect your words had on me.”

Give this a shot. Don’t get discouraged if people don’t respond well. This will always work best when the other person has bought into these same 12 Steps as a common approach to resolving conflict. But this will improve things even if they don’t, because it is the right thing to do.

6. Watch your tongue. Ask, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?

Do you know how dangerous the tongue is? It is such a little instrument—like a spark of fire—but it can cause a huge conflagration. It can do incalculable damage though it is so small. It’s much like the rudder of a ship—so small but it can turn an entire ship.

You probably remember words a parent or others have said to you in anger. Those words just don’t go away. They result in you feeling unloved, unappreciated, unvalued. Well, you have the same power.

So, the next time you open your mouth, remember the power of your tongue. Use these questions as guidelines for everything you say. Ask:

1. Is it true? Don’t say things like “always,” “never,” or other words that are absolute. Say, “in this instance,” or “in my opinion,” or “sometimes,” etc.

2. Is it kind? Hey, think about it—we should be kind. There is never a reason to be rude, obnoxious, offensive or harmful. It doesn’t matter how horrible another person may be. Use the old golden rule here, “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.” Treat others kindly just like you want to be treated.

3. Is it necessary? So often we speak just to speak. Don’t do that. Say what is necessary. One wise leader said, “Even a fool seems wise if he keeps his mouth shut.” Don’t be guilty of verbal pollution. Instead, keep the verbal airways clean by saying only what is necessary.

So, for this week process and practice these 6 skills intentionally with one problem person in your life. Remember, you want to turn these skills into habits (muscle memory).

Keep a written log of you progress and let me here what you are learning – good or bad.

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